What I really want to do for the rest of my life...

It's really difficult to give-up that one thing which makes you truly happy especially when you know that you have what it takes to be the best in the world. :(

It has been 4 years now but the pain is still very fresh and vulnerable. The emotional stress and depression I feel from not being able to dance on my toes, and not being able to wear my leotards and tights while inside the mirrored room where I can only hear the magnificent and wonderful world of ballet through classical music and Ms. Damian's voice correcting my poorly executed steps, are still haunting me every single day ever since I stopped taking formal lessons. It's really hard because this feeling never really stopped.

The people around me never really knew how depressed I am but truth be told, every time I see little kids with their hair tied up in a bun and in leotards and tights while walking home with their mommies, my heart is being stabbed. The same feeling I get every time I see ballet movies, ballet documentaries, ballet stores, and other ballet images. But it seemed like the pain is still not enough for I like to torture myself. I watch a lot of ballet movies and documentaries, I read ballet blogs, I paint ballerinas, and what's even worst, I use ballet in my design projects whether as a theme or motif, or as an establishment I will design. Remember That's D' Pointe Dance shop? Well, it just hurts me a lot but believe it or not, I just can't let go of this one dream which seems very impossible to achieve now. :(

I can vividly remember the details. It was the summer of 2010, before I enter college when my parents actually made me choose ---- "Ballet or College?". And truth be told, I answered them, "BALLET". But they made me go to college even if I wanted to seriously really pursue a career in ballet. I guess they just want the best for me especially because ballet is not really popular here in the Philippines unlike in Paris, Europe, Russia, and New York. Plus, the career I'll have will not be stable and it will be short unlike when I'll become a professional and licensed Interior Designer. But they made a promise to me that I'll go back to taking formal ballet lessons soon, but apparently, I'm still not taking lessons because College is expensive. and so is ballet. :(((((

I do love Interior Design. I love it but it's not really my first love. I am excited to graduate and practice but this is not what I really want to do for the rest of my life. It will be a good fall back though after I retire from ballet. :) But seriously, what I really want to do for the rest of my life is dance ballet. 

Wake up early every morning and stretch before anything else. Then eat breakfast, go to the theater and warm-up. Then rehearse. Then break time. Then rehearse again. Then rest for a few minutes and get ready for the show. And then, give my all in the show/recital. Then go home happily. and then repeat.

I know it doesn't sound much but this excites me and it's the life I really wanted. :">

It's really hard to give-up on something you really want especially when you know that you are good... that you are capable of exceeding your own limitations in order to find out how much more can you go. I am not bragging but from time to time, I think life is unfair because this is that one thing that I know I am really good at so why was it taken away from me? :(

I am pretty much aware that a career as a professional ballerina is like a 50-50 chance of being successful and being a failure. But you see, the thing is, I don't care. I just want to dance and feel as if I am actually important in this world. I just want to dance and forget about everything for a while. I just want to dance and be happy. I just want to dance!

P.S. I am literally crying while writing this. :"( But one thing is for sure, I will never give this dream up. :)


Rae Abigael J. Caacbay is a young creative who went through a quarter life crisis by the end of 2016. Though she's still lost, she keeps on moving forward anyway as a ballerina, visual artist, lifestyle blogger, and a BS Interior Design graduate based in the Philippines.


  1. Don't give up your dream, babe! You make a beautiful ballerina. :)


    1. Thank you for the encouraging words Ashley! :)

  2. It is true that life is not fair. But you'll always have the Choice to do something about it. No more crying girl, go do something about that dream of yours. Take risks if you must.

    1. You're right. Whenever opportunity comes, I will grab it right away. Whenever someone asks me to perform or dance, I will do it. Yes, I will take risks too. Thank you so much sweet anon! :)

  3. RaeAbigael, I do not think you should give up, I think you should go for it, you are right interior design is a great thing to fall back to after your ballerina career :)

    1. Thank you Launna! I will never ever give-up even if it takes me a lot of difficulties and challenges to reach it.

  4. You really are a ballerina extraordinaire - The Ballerina on Fire! I can see in the photos that your dancing has been exquisite for a long long long time - almost your whole life - and it's beautiful! I hope all of your ballet and other good dreams all come true!


  5. I adore ballet and I can empathise with what you feel here. I could never dance on stage, I can't stand people looking at me.

    Don't give up on your love of ballet. You can still work it in. On the bright side: Since you won't have the intensive abuse and build up of injuries that a professional dancer would have of their body so you'll be able to dance for LONGER. As in later into your life instead of being retired by your 30s.

    Still, wanting to do something so bad it's like oxygen and then you're starved of it. Yes, this. Learning, writing, discovering. When I can't do that I'm not meeeeee D: *Needs to do postgrad, can't afford it*

  6. This post made me incredibly sad and incredibly angry at the same time! It's awful not to be able to purse your dream,not being able to live your life the way you want to, because, when you think about it, life is so freakin short!
    I understand your parents struggling with money, and I understand the importance of following your dreams. It's such a hard decision to make, it takes guts and you my dear are a hell of a strong person, to make such a decision by yourself. Don't feel sad for too long, because every decision we make comes with benefits too :) Maybe your education will bring you so much more than dancing, and maybe someday you'll have enough money on your own, to pursue your dream, or to just dance when you feel like it, and just because it makes you happy. You never know what the future holds :)

  7. This post made me incredibly sad and incredibly angry at the same time. It's awful not being able to pursue your dream and not being able to live your life the way you want to. Life is so short after all.
    And I understand your parents struggling with money, but I understand the importance of being what you want to be. This is an extremely tough decision to make, and you are a hell of a strong girl for making this decision on your own.
    I really believe that every decision we make, comes with benefits too! :) Maybe education will bring you much more happiness than you initially thought. Maybe someday you'll have enough money to dance, to pursue a career, or just dance because it makes you happy. You never know what the future holds!

  8. ohh you look so pretty! I love ballet and I can def. understand how you feel here! I don't dance , but I do have other ambitions in life that are kinda not the most promising/low success rate.
    I would advise you to not give up on your dreams because there is a chance that it can happen! Just make sure to have something to fall back on! I plan on doing something similar and hoping for the best!

  9. wow you're one lucky girl! you have so much talents and your body is nice since forever <3


  10. I also dance! It is wonderful that you know what you want to do and it is important to chase it and don't accept no for an answer! Never quit and you'll go far!


  11. Amazing post. Never give up on your dreams and all will come true. Happy Holidays!

    Eye See Euphoria : http://eyeseeeuphoria.com/post/top-10-eyewear-for-christmas-5-dita

  12. You never know what 2015 will bring in.
    The bigger your dreams,the bigger your accomplishments.
    Happy new year.

  13. This post really touched me; I am in the same position but with Theatre and Acting. To know that I am not alone has made me feel less scared and alone. I wish you all the best! Please pursue your dreams and put your happiness first, you deserve it! Thank you!