Insecurities (And how I'm trying to overcome them)


"i am insecure and somehow, i..."

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I've always been seen as this "confident young lady who knows what she's doing and who already knows what she wants to do with her life. Someone who's so confident about everything she does. Someone who accepts herself. Someone who doesn't care about what other people say".

Apparently, I'm not what I appear to be. Or so do I say.

Well, you see, I've never really talked about my insecurities. I believe my diary, other than myself, is the only one that knew about everything I felt. I bet my family, friends, and loved ones hardly had any ideas.

Prepare for a serious blog entry. This is real talk.


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I've been told face to face by someone I don't personally know yet we breathe, draw, and mold our future in the same building, in the same campus, "Gusto ko talaga maging ikaw. Idol kasi kita eh. Ang galing mong mag-ballet. Ang ganda-ganda mo!" (I want to be you. You're my idol. You're so great in dancing ballet. You're so beautiful!). In all honesty, that was a complete shocker! I mean, if you're me, you won't really believe that "B" word even if a bunch of people tell you so repeatedly.

Why?

I don't really know. But I tried thinking of a psychological explanation on that. Thus, I came to this one word conclusion: insecurities.

Growing up, I've always been insecure to other girls around me especially to two specific girls who I prefer to not name or even explain to everyone why I know them or what relation or whatsoever (the reason why I have more guy friends than girls and why I am one of the boys). It's just that, every time I'm around them, it's always them. People talk about them. People compliment them. People prefer them more than me. It's always, always about them. And to top it off, I've been compared to them from time to time. I'm sure the people around me didn't mean to make me feel that way. But ignorance and insensitivity prevailed. Growing up, I felt like I'm a shadow. Just a shadow. Am I no longer insecure today? Well, ladies and gents, nope. I still am insecure. When I see them, a part of me is broken and crying. I really don't want to spend time with them because DUH, I'm insecure. But I have to deal with it.

My many insecurities perhaps mainly developed from this.


INSECURITY # 1

Here's one of the many insecurities which developed from that first insecurity.
FLAWS. We all have them. But if you want to meet a walking flaw, well, say hello to me!

Ugly skin, pimples, curly hair, ugly teeth, hairy - hairy legs, hairy arms, thin, flat-chested, flat butt, thick eyebrows, blemishes... I think I could go on forever.

I embody media's definition of ugly. Sometimes, I think I'm being made into a character of a telenovela/tv series or movie. Hence, I don't believe every time the "B" word is being thrown at me. It's always, "are you blind?".



INSECURITY # 2

I am not good / pretty enough.

Again, this developed from my main insecurity. Because I feel like a shadow, I have to be THE BEST to not be ignored. To at least be better than them even for just some time. I know this sounds bad but you can't blame me! I had to do what I have to do to at least boost some confidence level. 

And then here comes the internet, with all the "likes", "comments", "shares" and all those reactions that tell how good, how acceptable, and worst, how beautiful you are in the society. Soon enough, I think I might abandon my facebook account because it gives me a hell lot of negative feelings. I have already hidden people from my feed, and on twitter, I have muted several people. Don't judge me. I'm just trying to lessen the "jealousy" i feel. Will it be okay to not follow back people? or will i appear to be mean and selfish? :/ Perhaps soon enough, I'll be cleaning out my social media accounts to help boost my self-esteem. So right now, I am apologizing to those who will be unfriended, unfollowed, and erased. Insecurity # 2 reigned so better do something about it.



INSECURITY # 3

I am here.

As terrible as it sounds, my 3rd insecurity is rooted from where I am now. I know, I know. I'm very aware that it's extremely bad to compare yourself to where other people are --- them exploring the world, them having published a book at a very young age, them having a very successful blog, them living in their dreams, and basically, them living the life you always wanted. But of course they haven't reached that point in their life in just a snap. I know that. But this is coming from a very honest heart: I still get highly insecure from people doing much better than me.

For a girl who has a naturally curly hair that some girls would die to have, and for a girl who's a ballerina which every girl dreams of becoming, and for a girl who was able to list down her Biggest Achievements in her 20 Years of Existence, “insecurity” might seem to be the farthest thing to happen in my consciousness. Truth be told, I have already achieved a lot in my life that I should be very proud of. But fact of the matter is, I'm a bit hard on myself and I keep on asking myself, WHY AM I JUST HERE? I should be farther now and I should be living my dream!

And that's why I kind of hate my futuristic, and very ambitious self. Again, this can be rooted from my main insecurity. I already want to fast forward to my successful future self so I can exceed the so-called "beauty" of those girls. But hell, this shouldn't be felt.

I'm still on my journey towards my dreams and towards success, and my phase is slow (compared to those youngsters I stalk admire) but that doesn't mean I'll not reach mine. Hey, I'm a ballerina so I reckon I'm taking my steps by the toes! (haha).

I'm still working on feeling completely unaffacted about other people's success, and I'm still working on focusing on my capabilities as a human being to reach my goals, dreams, and the life I wanted. I am ambitious and I tend to want to be always on top. But I am fully aware of these terrible things and that's important because eventually, this will lead me to focusing on my capabilities as a human being which will then inspire the world.



INSECURITY # 4

NBSB - I never had a boyfriend since birth!

Okay, I will blurt this out even if it's embarrassing to the extreme! I've been keeping this for years now. So I'm 21, a college graduate, and in the phase of "Oh my goodness. My high school batch mates have kids! I'm just starting with my life!" and also in the phase of "The people around me would soon get married. And I still haven't had a boyfriend since birth!" And from time to time, it always occur to me: will i grow old alone?

It's not that I'm not happy, I mean, 21 years of being single (and being David Archuleta's girlfriend & now Luke Hemmings'. I have two. HAHAHA), I am extremely happy chasing after my dreams! And I want to achieve so many things in life. But really now, because of the fact that no guy was ever interested to court me or was ever even interested in me (or am I just super choosy, manhid (numb), and not interested at all) that I think I'm ugly inside and out. This pulls down my self-esteem to the size of a peanut! Like, am I really that ugly to not be likable?

One time, I cried so hard all night because someone encrypted the words, "At least may love life ako." You know what I felt that night? Puta what do you mean by that? I'm a useless piece of shit to not have a boyfriend? (sorry for the 2 ugly, bad words. it hurt a lot).

Although I don't show it to people, I AM VERY SENSITIVE TO THIS MATTER. Please don't rub it in on my face because you're just pulling my self-esteem and self-confidence all the way down. Please don't ask why I still don't have a boyfriend because I don't freakin' know why. Please don't tell me that you're curious why I don't have a boyfriend because i have a beautiful face and I'm nice because you just double pulled my self-esteem down. You're rubbing my insecurities through my veins. Please be sensitive enough to all NBSB girls because, just be. We pretend to be okay when this thing is being talked about but deep down we are not. This is a very sensitive matter so please leave it to rest.

With that said, I'm glad I removed this matter from the hidden parts of my heart, that was amazing! Anyway, being NBSB sometimes make me question my existence but right now, I am beyond happy with what's been happening to me and I am grateful to be chasing after my dreams. My prince charming is not here yet, so what? I know God has better plans for me so I'll just wait for whatever His plans are for me because His is way better.



INSECURITY # 5

Failing.

It's so dumb to be insecure of failing because it makes my life complicated. Like, for someone like me, it's either I must be on top or I must be on top. If I end up 2nd, that's failure. And insecurity numbers 1 to 4 make insecurity # 5 worst if they eat me up. Because I don't want to fail, sometimes I function under a false pretense, pretending, hiding my flaws, hiding myself from society. And so I have a hard time finding myself. It's seriously complicated because most of the time I'm a risk-taker, grabbing all opportunities coming my way, and I also like living in the moment. But then, there are times wherein I think that I'm not good enough. Whatever I'm doing still lacks a lot of things. And this pulls everything down. No one is perfect, I know. But it would be great to reach the highest capability of the talents you have.

I shouldn't be hard on myself because failing is not bad. Sometimes, it's actually awesome! And I have realized this all throughout my failures and successes. But removing the "I shouldn't fail" attitude is still in the process because although this attitude is a great factor in being  one of the greats in the design world, too much of this is terribly, terribly bad.


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The world is unfair. YES, and sometimes, when you see someone living the "life you always wanted", you can't help but secretly wish the same upon yourself. Apparently, watching The Five People you Meet in Heaven has made me realize how wonderful and beautiful my life is, including the struggles, challenges, pains, and all those hurtful happenings. Everything is an important ingredient to build and mold me to become the person I am today. I keep on saying and even speak these words to my talks and sharings, "everything has a reason. it may hurt right now but eventually you'll know why it has happened to you. God has better plans". And I'm strongly holding on to this.


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In order to counter all these destructive insecurities, Therese J. Borchard of Psychcentral came up with these 5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure. I'm sharing the list on this blog post and I'd definitely keep this in mind.

1. Consider it beautiful.

Insecurity — vulnerability of spirit — is essentially humility, which is a divine quality. In fact, since pride is considered to be the origin of sin (Saint Augustine), then humility would be the greatest spiritual virtue. With insecurity, we admit that it’s not all about us, and that philosophy in this world of self-centeredness is quite lovely. Says Stephen Fry in “Moab Is My Washpot”:

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”

2. Read your self-esteem file.

A self-esteem file is a warm-fuzzy folder, but I really refuse to call it that because it sounds like I live in the land of the unicorns and fairies with retreats to the land of the rainbows and lollipops. It’s a collection of anything anyone has ever said, written, indicated that can be categorized as positive. Someone says something shallow like, “I like your shoes.” Sure, put it in there, with a note “I have good taste in shoes.” Another person mutters, “Dude, thanks for listening.” That goes in there as well: “I am a good listener.”

I suggest asking two or three of your best friends to list ten of your best qualities and put those in there to jumpstart the project. That’s what I did seven years ago. My therapist asked me to make a list of ten of my best qualities and I couldn’t do it. So she told me to ask my friends. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Why should I need to do this? But my self-esteem file has saved me from weeks of self-loathing. Now it’s full of nice comments on my blog, emails, feedback from my books. I reach for it every time I feel a moment of insecurity coming over me.

3. Avoid people you feel insecure around.

I know this sounds like common sense, but it does require a bit of homework. Sometimes you have to rearrange your schedule, find a new route to work, take lunch at a different time, or compile a ton of excuses to have on hand. “I’m sorry I can’t go to happy hour with you guys. The truth is that your cliquish group does not make me happy. I have a better chance of getting happy by myself. Oh, and my dog needs to get groomed at 5 p.m. on a Tuesday night.”

You have to protect yourself. That should be your first priority for as long as you are feeling insecure, not convenience. Why torture yourself? If you think the popular group will notice, you’re wrong. Most likely they don’t care about you. But you won’t care that they don’t care if you are proactive about protecting yourself. Then, when you don’t feel as insecure, you can resume your old schedule or go to happy hour if you want and if your dog has been groomed.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people.

There are only a few people in my life who get me. Who really get me. When I’m insecure, I will drive 250 miles to see them, or squeeze a half hour into my hectic evening to talk to them on the phone. They remind me of what is good and unique about myself — maybe unorthodox and not at all appreciated by other folks — elements that contribute to my decent DNA. These people love that I have no filter, that I say whatever I am thinking out loud and therefore insult an average of two people every ten seconds. This character defect, they say, is refreshing!

Those trusted few are the voices of truth and we need as many voices of truth as we can get. “We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,” writes Beth Moore in “So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend To Us.”

5. Know it’s invisible.

You figure everyone can see that you’re insecure. And that actually makes you feel more insecure. But here’s the wonderful truth. No one can see your insecurity. They are too worried about their own insecurity to notice your insecurity. Even when I think the world can see me shake – when I get really nervous or uncertain – few people can. Either that or they are lying to me when I call them on it. Do your friends look insecure when they are in a group of coworkers or with dysfunctional families? Nope? No one can see your insides but you.


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Now if you'll ask me, I think insecurities are good because they are an important ingredient in your ever growing-self. In this world, everyone is insecure of something and that's okay. Because we are humans. What's not okay is letting these insecurities eat you up and destruct you to the point that you no longer believe in yourself and you question your existence often.

If you're still here reading, thank you. I salute you for baring with my negative thoughts. :) Please let me know as well about your insecurity story/ies. Let's work on removing or lessening our insecurities for the better.



I'm Rae Abigael Caacbay, the ballerina, watercolor artist, lifestyle blogger, award-winning ballerina & ballroom dancer, and BS Interior Design graduate from a prestigious and high-ranking University who publicly admits...

"i am still insecure and somehow, i learned to overcome it"






RaeAbigael

Rae Abigael J. Caacbay is a ballerina, visual artist, and a BS Interior Design graduate based in the Philippines. She went through a quarter life crisis by the end of 2016 and though she's lost in the middle of fulfilling her dreams, she still keeps on moving forward anyway. Most of her work focuses on interior design, writing/marketing, and painting.

17 comments:

  1. Everyone deals with insecurities, one way or another, so don't feel alone! Heck I was always insecure of my big nose and lips, broad shoulders, small chest and butt, etc. I don't know how it happened, but it just kinda stopped. I'm still a little bit insecure, but I don't think about it very often. I think the key is surrounding yourself with positive people - but it also means surrounding yourself with people who are better than you, so you can always be changing and striving for better and "using" them for inspiration and to go to when you need help. I think that's a big part of having a positive circle of influence on social media. I regularly unfriend/unfollow people who give off negative vibes. There are some people that I follow/friends with and I'm jealous of them, whether it's for their body or where they are in life. Those people, I keep because 1) I have to deal with not being jealous over things like that, and 2) they irritate me to do better. On the contrary, one of my friends completely deleted her Facebook because she was comparing herself with the success of her friends, and she's a much happier person right now. So I guess it depends on who you are as a person to deal with feeling insecure. Anyway sorry for the long wall of text haha, just putting my own two cents :)

    becky ♡ star violet

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    1. Hi Becky! awwww. thank you very much for taking the time to read my long blog post and for also sharing your story with me. It feels nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you! :) I hope we get to deal with this and we'll both grow from our insecurities and be better persons. You're a beautiful person, thank you! :)

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  2. Super post, great tips. Thanks for the list. Life is hard, but we can make it better :)


    Brina xoxo, Sweetstreetstyle.blogspot.com

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  3. Everyone has them, even the most successful people,I like to do a little "i am grateful for... " exercise everyday to focus on the positive things of my life instead of th negative ones.


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    1. thanks for sharing that exercise! i think i might do it as well ... in my diary or here on the blog. Actually i do a "happy list" post from time to time to make me feel better about myself, and to document the blessings I receive :)

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  4. What an honest post my dear. Everyone has insecurities and I think important that you are aware and taking steps to overcome them

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  5. Let me just say you are not alone! I have a lot of the same insecurities that you have. I hate the thought of failing and not being on top and when I see other people's instagrams photos I get to sad that I don't have what they have. When that happens I just say to myself that I don't know what they've gone through to get to that point and our lives are so different so I just keep going forward and working towards my own goals. In fact, I had big insecurities about how I looked as well...though that stopped a couple of years ago when I achieved my life long dream of losing weight. I just felt so much better about myself and felt like well...me for the first time. I even started doing fashion posts on my instagram (Which is kind of like my "self esteem file"...haven't had one negative comment yet! Just lots of encouraging words and love.)

    I still have a few insecurities about how I look but that little voice has stopped whispering cruel things to me. There are still a lot of things that I'm insecure about but now, I say to myself life is too short to worry about those things...I just quiet them down and push forward! *big smiles* Really great post Rae! It always helps to know that there's someone else out there just like you going though the same things. xoxo

    Regina
    Margarita Bloom | Modern Vintage Beauty & Fashion
    BLOG: Cherry Lips Blonde Curls
    INSTAGRAM: @margaritabloom

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    1. Hi Regina, thank you for sharing your story! I really do appreciate and I'm grateful to know that I am not alone. I hope we get to grow out of our insecurities and learn to just ignore them and love ourselves for who we are. :) I am so glad that you're always going forward, and that I'm so happy for you that you have achieved your life long dream of losing weight. Well done my dear! :)

      Thank you again and I wish us both all the best! God bless and take care :">

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  6. Thank you for sharing, Raellarina (what a pretty name by the way)
    I think everyone will always feel insecure about everything because we live in the generation of comparison
    and I do agree that social media has took a toll to everyone insecurities because it's a click away to compare your life with other people
    I remember I was having a really good humble lunch and then I saw my friend posted she's eating a wagyu steak for lunch on a weekday, I must say, and I was like.. why can't I eat wagyu steak? why is my lunch so cheap? am I cheap? and it will goes on and on and it gets worse if you don't stop yourself from comparing yourself to other people

    sure comparison is good to know the normal standard of everything but that's pretty much it
    I have learned to be happy with what other have
    "I'm happy for you" is a small four letter words but it has powerful effect if you mean it
    and wow, it is SO HARD to be genuine about that sentence

    anyway, my point is, you should embrace your insecurities
    it's okay to feel insecure every now and then
    just make sure you count your blessings :)

    God has perfect timing

    <3
    The Sweetest Escape 

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    1. Hello Stevia,

      Thank you very much for sharing your insecurities as well. It's good to know that I am not alone. :) In the next few weeks, I will clean out my facebook, twitter, instagram, and other social media accounts. I think now is the time for me to remove people who brings negativity to my life. I will unfriend/ unfollow/ and hide as much people as I can to be able to attract positivity in my life and lessen the not so good feelings I have whenever I'm on social media. It's good to know that you've learned to be happy with what others have and somehow, you've stopped comparing yourself to others. I am learning to be honest, I mean, I still compare myself to others especially to those who are already doing well. But I love myself and I love where I am right now, it's just that, comparing myself to others creeps in from time to time.

      Thank you again Stevia, for making me feel better and making me realize that I am not alone. I wish for us to learn to let go of our insecurities, and if now, i hope we learn to embrace them (as what you've said) but let us not allow them to eat us up. :)

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  7. I think a lot of people have these same insecurities. My big one right now is rooted in getting older. I'm going to be 32 soon and I just feel OLD. I hate it. When did that happen? Wasn't I 17 just yesterday?

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    1. Hi Krysten, I don't feel the old age right now since I'm just in my early twenties but i have a feeling that I might have your insecurity sooner or later. Anyway, thank you for sharing yours to me. I really appreciate it. Have a blessed week dear! God bless :)

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  8. Nice post, unfortunately all have a little ...

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    ReplyDelete
  9. This post is very useful for us. Because we have a lot of
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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Hi ate Rae! Haha, sayang di nacomment yung unang iccomment ko sana, kaya try ko na lang tandaan and ulitin mga sinabi ko dun haha. Kasama siguro ako dun sa mga tao na sinasabi mo na nagsasabi sayo na lagi kang positive, na alam na alam mo kung ano gagawin mo sa buhay. Kaya sa totoo, nagulat ako na may blog post ka na ganito! Haha. Kaya dapat mag-comment ako sa blog mo, for the first time ;)
    Anyway. Gusto ko lang sabihin na lahat naman tayo may insecurities. Yung mahalaga kung ano yung choice mo na ginagawa mo sa insecurities mo. Sabi nga ni Dumbledore kay Harry: ""It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."" Hahaha, nagawa ko pang magsingit ng Harry Potter sa comment ko. ;) Pero ayun. Kaya proud ako na nagttake ka ng steps para ma-overcome insecurities mo. At least you made the right choice, hindi gaya ng iba na napaparalyze dahil sa insecurities nila, or worse, nagiging masama pagtrato nila sa ibang tao dahil naiinsecure sila (alam mo na kung sino tinutukoy ko dito hahaha)
    Dun sa NBSB na insecurity, nakakarelate ako. Kasi alam mo namaaan. Haha. Share ko na lang kung ano inadopt ko na mindset about dun. Isipin mo na lang na hindi mo naman kailangan ng boyfriend para mag-succeed and ma-achieve yung dreams mo. Wag mo isipin na kulang ko o na there's something wrong with you kasi wala kang boyfriend.
    Mas ok nga na hindi ka maaga nagkaboyfriend eh. Para at least, mas nagkaroon ka ng time na mas makilala mo sarili mo and madevelop mo personality mo. Eh di para when your significant other comes into your life, ready ka na ishare sarili mo and yung personality mo sa kanya. Kita mo ba yung ibang girls dyan na nagddrama na hindi na daw nila kaya mabuhay ng wala yung boyfriend nila? At least hindi ka magiging overly dependent gaya nila, kasi nasanay ka na tumayo sa sarili mo, and maging independent na walang boyfriend, and alam mo kung pano irespect sarili mo. :)
    Yun lang naman. :) Keep your head up high and happy ako na kaya mo ishare and ilabas yung insecurities mo sa iba. Dun pa lang, you're taking one big leap to overcoming them. Odba.
    Iwan ko na lang din link sa blog ko, dahil nakikita kong puro may link yung iba (hahaha)
    Jen is Going Where? (a travel blog)

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is such an honest post, thanks for sharing. I think there is so much pressure on young women in the media today, its really hard for us all. We need to stick together and build one another up X

    http://www.leopardandspice.com/

    ReplyDelete