For a girl who has a naturally curly hair that some girls would die to have, and for a girl who's a ballerina which every girl dreams of becoming, and for a girl who was able to list down her Biggest Achievements in her 20 Years of Existence, “insecurity” might seem to be the farthest thing to happen in my consciousness. Truth be told, I have already achieved a lot in my life that I should be very proud of. But fact of the matter is, I'm a bit hard on myself and I keep on asking myself, WHY AM I JUST HERE? I should be farther now and I should be living my dream!
And that's why I kind of hate my futuristic, and very ambitious self. Again, this can be rooted from my main insecurity. I already want to fast forward to my successful future self so I can exceed the so-called "beauty" of those girls. But hell, this shouldn't be felt.
I'm still on my journey towards my dreams and towards success, and my phase is slow (compared to those youngsters I
I'm still working on feeling completely unaffacted about other people's success, and I'm still working on focusing on my capabilities as a human being to reach my goals, dreams, and the life I wanted. I am ambitious and I tend to want to be always on top. But I am fully aware of these terrible things and that's important because eventually, this will lead me to focusing on my capabilities as a human being which will then inspire the world.
It's not that I'm not happy, I mean, 21 years of being single (and being David Archuleta's girlfriend & now Luke Hemmings'. I have two. HAHAHA), I am extremely happy chasing after my dreams! And I want to achieve so many things in life. But really now, because of the fact that no guy was ever interested to court me or was ever even interested in me (or am I just super choosy, manhid (numb), and not interested at all) that I think I'm ugly inside and out. This pulls down my self-esteem to the size of a peanut! Like, am I really that ugly to not be likable?
One time, I cried so hard all night because someone encrypted the words, "At least may love life ako." You know what I felt that night? Puta what do you mean by that? I'm a useless piece of shit to not have a boyfriend? (sorry for the 2 ugly, bad words. it hurt a lot).
Although I don't show it to people, I AM VERY SENSITIVE TO THIS MATTER. Please don't rub it in on my face because you're just pulling my self-esteem and self-confidence all the way down. Please don't ask why I still don't have a boyfriend because I don't freakin' know why. Please don't tell me that you're curious why I don't have a boyfriend because i have a beautiful face and I'm nice because you just double pulled my self-esteem down. You're rubbing my insecurities through my veins. Please be sensitive enough to all NBSB girls because, just be. We pretend to be okay when this thing is being talked about but deep down we are not. This is a very sensitive matter so please leave it to rest.
With that said, I'm glad I removed this matter from the hidden parts of my heart, that was amazing! Anyway, being NBSB sometimes make me question my existence but right now, I am beyond happy with what's been happening to me and I am grateful to be chasing after my dreams. My prince charming is not here yet, so what? I know God has better plans for me so I'll just wait for whatever His plans are for me because His is way better.
I shouldn't be hard on myself because failing is not bad. Sometimes, it's actually awesome! And I have realized this all throughout my failures and successes. But removing the "I shouldn't fail" attitude is still in the process because although this attitude is a great factor in being one of the greats in the design world, too much of this is terribly, terribly bad.
In order to counter all these destructive insecurities, Therese J. Borchard of Psychcentral came up with these 5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure. I'm sharing the list on this blog post and I'd definitely keep this in mind.
1. Consider it beautiful.
Insecurity — vulnerability of spirit — is essentially humility, which is a divine quality. In fact, since pride is considered to be the origin of sin (Saint Augustine), then humility would be the greatest spiritual virtue. With insecurity, we admit that it’s not all about us, and that philosophy in this world of self-centeredness is quite lovely. Says Stephen Fry in “Moab Is My Washpot”:
“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
2. Read your self-esteem file.
A self-esteem file is a warm-fuzzy folder, but I really refuse to call it that because it sounds like I live in the land of the unicorns and fairies with retreats to the land of the rainbows and lollipops. It’s a collection of anything anyone has ever said, written, indicated that can be categorized as positive. Someone says something shallow like, “I like your shoes.” Sure, put it in there, with a note “I have good taste in shoes.” Another person mutters, “Dude, thanks for listening.” That goes in there as well: “I am a good listener.”
I suggest asking two or three of your best friends to list ten of your best qualities and put those in there to jumpstart the project. That’s what I did seven years ago. My therapist asked me to make a list of ten of my best qualities and I couldn’t do it. So she told me to ask my friends. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Why should I need to do this? But my self-esteem file has saved me from weeks of self-loathing. Now it’s full of nice comments on my blog, emails, feedback from my books. I reach for it every time I feel a moment of insecurity coming over me.
3. Avoid people you feel insecure around.
I know this sounds like common sense, but it does require a bit of homework. Sometimes you have to rearrange your schedule, find a new route to work, take lunch at a different time, or compile a ton of excuses to have on hand. “I’m sorry I can’t go to happy hour with you guys. The truth is that your cliquish group does not make me happy. I have a better chance of getting happy by myself. Oh, and my dog needs to get groomed at 5 p.m. on a Tuesday night.”
You have to protect yourself. That should be your first priority for as long as you are feeling insecure, not convenience. Why torture yourself? If you think the popular group will notice, you’re wrong. Most likely they don’t care about you. But you won’t care that they don’t care if you are proactive about protecting yourself. Then, when you don’t feel as insecure, you can resume your old schedule or go to happy hour if you want and if your dog has been groomed.
4. Surround yourself with supportive people.
There are only a few people in my life who get me. Who really get me. When I’m insecure, I will drive 250 miles to see them, or squeeze a half hour into my hectic evening to talk to them on the phone. They remind me of what is good and unique about myself — maybe unorthodox and not at all appreciated by other folks — elements that contribute to my decent DNA. These people love that I have no filter, that I say whatever I am thinking out loud and therefore insult an average of two people every ten seconds. This character defect, they say, is refreshing!
Those trusted few are the voices of truth and we need as many voices of truth as we can get. “We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us,” writes Beth Moore in “So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend To Us.”
5. Know it’s invisible.
You figure everyone can see that you’re insecure. And that actually makes you feel more insecure. But here’s the wonderful truth. No one can see your insecurity. They are too worried about their own insecurity to notice your insecurity. Even when I think the world can see me shake – when I get really nervous or uncertain – few people can. Either that or they are lying to me when I call them on it. Do your friends look insecure when they are in a group of coworkers or with dysfunctional families? Nope? No one can see your insides but you.
Now if you'll ask me, I think insecurities are good because they are an important ingredient in your ever growing-self. In this world, everyone is insecure of something and that's okay. Because we are humans. What's not okay is letting these insecurities eat you up and destruct you to the point that you no longer believe in yourself and you question your existence often.
If you're still here reading, thank you. I salute you for baring with my negative thoughts. :) Please let me know as well about your insecurity story/ies. Let's work on removing or lessening our insecurities for the better.
I'm Rae Abigael Caacbay, the ballerina, watercolor artist, lifestyle blogger, award-winning ballerina & ballroom dancer, and BS Interior Design graduate from a prestigious and high-ranking University who publicly admits...